grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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