I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Ketchup is God's man juice
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
