I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize