The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
