Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
