We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
