Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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