i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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