the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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