we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
