the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have fence marks all over my body
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize