what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
