I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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