I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
