I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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