I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
