I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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