So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
