I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
