Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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