here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
