you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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