when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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