I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
