Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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