Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
