He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
