Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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