she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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