I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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