maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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