don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
