Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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