when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
