He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
