Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
