I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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