I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
