btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
