saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
