i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
