well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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