I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My hand turned me down
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
