Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
