apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
