I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
