My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
