the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
