you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
