Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
