I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
