You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
