Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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