I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
