Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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