So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
