I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
