I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
