Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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