i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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