I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
