i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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