I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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