Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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