I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
