I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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