I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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